stick online

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

2009-10-17T11:45:00.002-05:00

This is the seventh review in a series of posts about books for married men.

The 10 Commandments of Marriage, by Ed Young, is definitely the most basic of the seven books I've reviewed so far in this series. It's a great primer on the relationship of a husband and wife... how do do the big things. Here's the ten commandments:

Thou Shalt Not Be a Selfish Pig
Thou Shalt Cut The Apron Strings
Thou Shalt Continually Communicate
Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally
Thou Shalt Avoid The Quicksand Of Debt
Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation
Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Mate
Thou Shalt Keep The Home Fires Burning
Thou Shalt Begin Again And Again
Thou Shalt Build A Winning Team

As far as the content of the book goes, that's it in a nutshell. I've given too much of it away already to say much more; suffice that every point is well supported and well explained. The writing sometimes feels corny, like the author is trying too hard, but it's a lot of solid advice and wisdom for any couple. While I'm not likely to recommend it to men as strongly as some of the other books that made deeper points, this is certainly a starting point for anyone who's researching the "how to" of an "I do" relationship.

Tender Warrior

2009-07-28T20:13:00.006-05:00

This is the sixth review in a series of posts about books for married men.

Stu Weber has some pretty intense manliness credentials. At left is the Bronze Star, the fourth-highest combat award of the U.S. Armed Forces. Stu Weber has three of them. That he won as a Green Beret. He also holds a Master's of Divinity, and a doctorate. Anyone with higher qualifications of manliness may skip this post. Now that I have everyone's attention, on to the book.

Tender Warrior covers pretty much the gamut of angles on manliness. Dr. Weber touches on what he (correctly) believes is the heart of manliness, on four pillar roles of a man, and on the most important four relationships of a man - to his wife, his children, his friends, and his Lord. The heart of manliness, as told by Stu Weber, is the Creator of men. God uniquely created men according to His purpose and His plans. He made men provisionary leaders, gave them the perseverance to endure hardship in a way that women and children shouldn't need to, and built into them the capacity for tender affection.

Dr. Weber says that there are four pillars of a man, his roles in every situation: King, Warrior, Mentor, Friend. A King, he writes, "looks ahead, watches over, and provides order, mercy, and justice." A Warrior "shields, defends, stands between, and guards." A Mentor "models, trains, and explains." Finally, a Friend is a "commitment maker" and a "promise keeper." Melding all of that into one person seems like a pretty tall order, but it all makes pretty good sense to me when I think of the men I've looked up to in my life, like my dad.

After pretty briefly outlining the four pillars, though, Dr. Weber drops the bomb: what makes a man is perseverance. He calls it "staying power," or, from a literal translation of James 1:2-4, "staying under." In a sidebar he pulls a quote from The Chantaine's Guardian that covers it pretty well. Part of the quote is below in an image from Google Books. Faithfulness, I think, is the key word here, but it's not our faithfulness as men that I'm talking about - every one of us, unfortunately, will fail. Dr. Weber heads up his chapter on staying power with Hebrews 13:5; there is no greater statement of faithfulness for us to draw on.

Dr. Weber then gets into the relationships a man values. First and last he writes about a man's relationship to God; I'll come back to that at the end.

Second, he moves into dangerous territory by writing that men and women are different (who knew?!). They're different for a reason; they're equal, but not the same. Dr. Weber zeroes in on 1 Peter 3:7, noting that "weaker" doesn't mean of lesser value; by contrast, a china plate and a metal camping one are both valuable for their different uses, although one is certainly more delicate than the other!

Third, Dr. Weber covers the relationship of a man and his children. As half of a married couple without kids, I'm not qualified to comment on children or parenting, but the basic point Weber makes is that children are the only legacy of a man. Not their genes, not their hair color or height, but their knowledge of and relationship with the Almighty.

Covered fourth is a man's relationship to his friends. The message here is "locking arms" and "standing together." Both are pretty easy to believe when a man with three bronze stars tells you that in combat the best thing to have is a good friend next to you. An accountability partner and a man who challenges you - Proverbs 27:17 - is indispensable in motivating yourself to have the "staying power" that Dr. Weber writes about. Seeing the example of other men is always both an inspiration and a challenge. A real man thrives on those two things.

Finally (and indeed throughout the book), Weber writes about the relationship of a man and our Creator. To quote words which cannot be paraphrased, "Jesus Christ is the ultimate Man. Maximum manhood. The perfect Model. The complete Hero." He is the only perfect man. He is what we are striving to emulate. All other models fall far short and can only lead you astray if you make them your ideal. How right Dr. Weber is.

My father-in-law gave me Tender Warrior as an engagement present when I became engaged to his daughter, now my wife. He wrote a note in the flyleaf as follows

I will not pretend to be worthy of any authority to preach to you about what you "should," "shall," or "ought" to do. I will tell you that this book did help me many times and lead my thinking. I am hopeful that its wise counsel will be of service to you as you and my [daughter] create your life together.

I know that my father-in-law is not a Christian, so the note surprised me, but I suppose it shouldn't have. Jesus Christ is the perfect role model of Manliness, however you slice it. That fact is undeniable.

Sheet Music

2009-07-08T21:21:00.003-05:00

This is the fifth review in a series of posts about books for married men.

Sheet Music, by Kevin Leman, is an interesting book to review since it deals with marriage exclusively through sex. This is perfect if you are newlyweds, or if your marriage needs some "BAM! Kick it up a notch!"; however, it's not a book for anyone who's more than a week away from marriage. That said, the review will be G-rated (and rather short since the book certainly isn't!). Leman describes the book best in chapter one when he writes, "It's not just a how-to-do-it manual... [it's] a do-it-yourself look at why to do it and how to do it better."

The things you need to know about this book are threefold:

Dr. Leman is all for great sex. His book provides a lot of encouragement for both parties to work towards a fulfilling sexual relationship as God intended it - in the context of marriage.
It gives a basic primer for men and women who are about to get married and don't know a thing about their spouse-to-be's body, and continues with "after the honeymoon" chapters about growing into a committed sexual relationship with your spouse.
It provides a host of direction for getting past most of the common reasons that most couples' fire eventually fades somewhat, and again, lots of encouragement to work towards reestablishing chemistry and the fulfillment of marriage.

I want to offer a few cautions about the book as well.

Dr. Leman is all for great sex. Yes, I said that already. But if you're not up for completely frank discussion, don't even bother. Or actually, do bother, because the book will probably do you and your spouse a lot of good!
The book, like all books, shares its author's opinions. Among a few other points, I do not agree with Dr. Leman when he writes that masturbation is permissible and even valuable for both partners. I try to be open when I'm reading, but nothing in the book convinced me. Temper what you read with your own knowledge, experience, and convictions (and that applies to any book).
Again, the book is only for married couples, or those about to be married. You may have noticed that I've italicized marriage in each of the first three points above; that's because I do agree with Leman when he writes, "Any sexual experience outside of marriage is ultimately destructive."

I've only been married for a whole month and a half, so I'm certainly in no position to comment on the writings of a man who's been married for longer than I've been alive, but from my extremely limited experience, I'd recommend the book to any married couple and just tell them to have fun!

Marriage in Time Magazine

2009-07-07T20:36:00.002-05:00

Here's a great article my wife Twittered @me today from Time Magazine. One good line: "A lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard work and self-sacrifice." Now, that's certainly not to say it isn't worth it. But it's like anything else: a good marriage doesn't come from a microwave. Is there hope for the American Marriage?

For Women Only

2009-06-29T12:03:00.007-05:00

This is a guest post from my lovely wife. I'm including it in my series of reviews of books for married men since it is the original book from which For Men Only was derived. I will say that the book (which I haven't read yet) has helped me a ton, since it's helped my wife love me, and a loving wife is the most precious gift God has given me aside from salvation.

If you're a married guy, and your wife hasn't read this book, I'd recommend picking it up today and taking it home. If you're a wife, here's a brief rundown of what's in the book - read this, and then go read the book. If you prayerfully take it to heart, it can make quite a difference in your marriage!

For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn was a gift from my father before Stick and I got married as well as one of the books used for our premarital counseling. It contains a lot of surprising information (surprising to me, at least; guys seem to think that we already know it) and has helped me understand my husband's actions much more since I read it. It discusses six areas which women need to understand about their husbands. These areas are discussed briefly below.

1. "Respect" - This chapter coincides to some degree with the book Love and Respect. It challenges women to give their man unconditional respect in the same way that they desire unconditional love from him. But this chapter gives a list of areas where we as women can disrespect our husbands daily without realizing it.

Respect his judgment. Don't shoot down his opinions, question his knowledge in a given subject, or argue with his decisions.
Respect his abilities. Shaunti puts it this way, "The next time your husband stubbornly drives in circles, ask yourself what is more important: being on time to the party or his feeling trusted. No contest." [Stick's note: Men, if you are driving around in circles, man up and ask for directions. You can even just call Google.]
Respect him in your communication. The next time he forgets something, think about this before you start nagging - "Inherent in her reminder [of what I haven't done] is a statement of disappointment. For me as a man, that is saying that I failed. I hate to fail. It's not the statement that bothers me; it's the implications of the statement."
Respect your husband in public. You need to be your husband's biggest cheerleader. If you build your husband up to other people, he will feel just as loved as you would if he surprised you with roses, a fancy dinner, and a weekend getaway somewhere romantic. [Men - do the same for your wives! Never break her down in front of anyone!]
Respect your husband in your assumptions. Don't assume he needs to be reminded about something - his priorities may have just placed that task below where it is for you. Assume that he's got the best of intentions and your marriage will be the stronger for it.

2. "The Imposter" - Men, according to the book, always feel like they are an imposter. They are terrified that someone will find out. This is why our teasing can hurt so much - men spend all their time and energy keeping up that confident exterior and so any mention of his weaknesses to other people will be like a knife into his heart. This is easy to solve - affirm him. Tell him that he can do anything, that he is your hero, that you are proud of him.

3. "The Burden" - Men feel weighed down by the need to provide for their families, but that they wouldn't change it if they could. Providing can be a strong way that men try to show love to their wives. Now contrast that with how women usually act when the man is working long hours - "he doesn't love me because he works so much." Think of it this way - if you want him to reaffirm that he loves you all the time, why shouldn't you affirm him for his provisions for your family?

4. "Sex Changes Everything: Why sex unlocks a Man's Emotions" - There is a relationship between a man's "imposter" feelings and sex - namely that your desiring him relieves the feelings of inadequacy, gives him confidence, and makes him feel loved. The message of this chapter is clear: 1 Cor 7:5.

5. "The Visual Rolodex" - Most men have unwanted visual images (mainly sexual ones) that pop up in their brains at the most inopportune times and that are very hard to be rid of. This shouldn't be that hard for a woman to understand - most of us have unwanted memories/things to do that act the same for us. It's not that your husband doesn't love you, it's how his brain works. If he loves you, he'll stop himself from looking at or thinking about unholy things (other women, sex with someone other than you, etc.) as soon as he realizes it, but realize that he is fighting this battle and cut him some slack every once in a while. If you want to erase that 'visual rolodex,' why not try to fill it up with 'pictures' of you?

6. "Chocolate, Flowers, Bait Fishing" - Men do want romance in their relationships, but are unsure of themselves when making the romantic move. They don't want to fail at this most important thing, and any side comment from you about something that didn't work quite right will send them running for the hills (and they won't come back, romantically speaking, for a VERY long time). So when your husband tries to set up a romantic evening, don't point out the things that didn't go right...he already has been beating himself up over it. Instead, give him positive feedback - what did you love about it? Keep in mind, however, that the male idea of romance doesn't quite mesh up with yours - he wants your undivided attention at ANYTHING - playing catch or putt-putt can be romantic for him because you are completely focused on having fun with him. He has all your attention and that is the ultimate of romance. Finally, when men plan a romantic evening, they usually have an idea of their desired end: sex. "It is hard for men to delineate romance without sex. It's all part of it. If men are romantic, they want sex," one frustrated husband said.

7. "The Truth About The Way You Look" - Looking your best for him shows him your love. This seems like a no-brainer, but how many times have we taken our husband's fidelity for granted? He tries his hardest to do everything for you, so why not try to look your best for him? We know that he's a visual creature, so why not fill that visual rolodex with pictures of you looking great?

All in all, this book was very eye-opening for me about how my husband's brain works and why he does what he does. I highly recommend it to anyone who genuinely wants to understand men. It's helped me out plenty, and it can help you too!

For Men Only

2009-06-19T10:43:00.008-05:00

This is the third review in a series of posts about books for married men.

For Men Only (and the counterpart For Women Only) by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn were required reading when Emma and I went through our marriage counseling. They're quick reads - but they were also some of the most helpful books we read.

For Men Only is really a guide to understanding why women do certain things. It's broken down into six categories - "Key Findings About Women" - that were noted handily in a "Quick Start Guide" right inside the front cover. The six areas are outlined briefly below.

1) Reassurance: Shaunti, speaking with a woman's perspective, writes "It's irrelevant whether she should 'know logically' that she's loved. If she doesn't feel loved, it's the same for her as if she isn't loved." So what do we do for our wives to combat this? The key is "Even after you've caught her, continue to pursue her."

2) Emotions: Women, the book says, multitask in their thoughts much more than men - and often on subjects or topics that they don't want to! They often struggle to move past thoughts about insecurities or uncertainties, rather than being able to put things off to deal with later. What can we do about it? Not much. But it helps a lot to recognize that if your wife seems overly caught on something or nags, it's how she's made, biologically.

3) Security: Not financial security. Relationship security. See Closeness and Loyalty in Love and Respect - it seems that the Feldhans called women's focus on the relationship Security, while Dr. Eggreichs broke it into the two categories Closeness and Loyalty. What does a man do to make his woman feel more secure? Give more time, effort, and thought to her than you do to your job.

4) Listening: It is the solution. For emotional problems, at least. Women, a lot of the time, don't actually want something fixed. They don't want you to tell them how to deal. They know how - they just have to talk about it. You just have to listen and ask intelligent questions (this proves you're really listening). Remember, the facts don't matter nearly as much as how she feels about them.

5) Sex: "While you want to be genuinely desired by your wife, her lower level of desire for sex probably has nothing to do with your desirability." The Feldhahns describe five reasons why women just don't want sex as much, and none of them have anything to do with us dudes not being hunks. They also mention that working on the other five key findings is likely to improve this one. So get on it.

6) Beauty: "Even if a woman knows in her head that her husband finds her beautiful, she still needs to hear it." Imagine your wife as a four or five or six year old girl, emotionally, wearing a 'whirly dress' as my wife calls them, twirling in the living room for her father. She wants to hear that she is beautiful. If someone tells her that, sincerely and often, she'll know that they love her. That is your job. Tell her, sincerely and often, how beautiful she is.

Those six things are covered pretty deeply, and boy does it help! The book won't give you answers to why God made women so blasted hard to understand, and it may not even give you much success in understanding them, but having a way to react and a little more knowledge of how a woman thinks makes things all the more harmonious. There's a little surprise for husbands in the end of the book, and it's a good one, but I won't spoil it here. Go read the book!

Love and Respect

2009-06-11T22:48:00.006-05:00

This is the second review in a series of posts about books for married men.

Love and Respect, by Emmerson Eggerichs, was given to Emma and me as an engagement gift and the advice in it has helped us more than we know.

Dr. Eggerichs writes about relationships between man and wife based on Ephesians 5:33. He believes that the deepest need of a man is to be respected, while the deepest need of a woman is to be loved. That simple explanation really resonated with Emma and me on our respective sides of the equation, but Eggerichs goes deeper. Men, he writes, are motivated to love when they feel respected. Women are motivated to respect when they feel loved. Out of this, according to Eggerichs, relationships develop into three different cycles.

I. The Crazy Cycle: If a husband feels disrespected, he will react (seemingly) unlovingly, causing his wife to react (seemingly) disrespectfully, causing him to... you get the picture.

II. The Energizing Cycle: If a husband feels respected, he will react lovingly towards his wife, who will then react respectfully towards him, causing him to... like the Crazy Cycle, oppositely.

III. The Rewarded Cycle: A good husband knows how to react with love even if he feels disrespected, and a good wife knows how to react respectfully, even when she feels unloved.

The point is that cycle number one is bad, number two is good, and number three is where you need to be. Eggerichs goes into much more detail about each cycle, but a lot of that is out of scope here. One part of the book that proved particularly insightful for me was his acronym COUPLE, meant to help men remember how to show love to their wives, in a way that a woman will understand as loving.

Closeness - Song of Solomon 3:4; affection as an end, not a means.
Openness - Proverbs 31:11; share your feelings and pray with her.
Understanding - James 1:19; listen without trying to fix her!
Peacemaking - I Peter 3:8; say, "I'm sorry," when you mess up.
Loyalty - Hebrews 13:4; keep commitments, be involved with her.
Esteem - Proverbs 5:18b; notice her, praise her, be proud of her.

God meant for marriage to follow the model of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:25), so a good husband will be one who gives himself for his wife. This means that even when I feel like my wife is being disrespectful, I'm to give her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she respects me, and do my utmost to ensure that she feels loved. That's how to get from the "Crazy Cycle" to the better ones. Love and Respect is a worthwhile read, and I highly recommend it to any new couples!

The Five Love Languages

2009-06-06T10:35:00.004-05:00

This is the first review in a series of posts about books for married men.

It's a pretty common recommendation for newlyweds to read, and for good reason. Dr. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages is a relationship classic with editions for couples, singles, parents, divorcees, those struggling to feel God's love.... I know without a doubt that it has helped Emma and I to understand and show love for each other - which makes us both feel more loved!

The basic premise is that expressions of love come in five different categories: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. I'm a words of affirmation person, so if you want to make me feel loved, leave a comment! (A positive one, of course!) While the categories have a lot of overlap - spending quality time with your spouse can be a gift and is often extremely affirming - it makes things easier to have them laid out in a clear and concise framework. From that framework, you can build all sorts of understanding of your significant other, and of yourself.

For instance, I hate being teased. I always have. And I hate it when something I do wrong affects others. Both of those are symptoms of my primary love language; they're negative affirmation, and I respond particularly negatively to those situations. Knowing that helps me to keep my cool when I forget something that Emma and I needed on a particular errand, or when she teases me in fun without knowing that I'm not in the same fun mindset. Not saying I'm always successful, but I'm a lot less likely to blow my top since I understand my own negative reactions. And it helps Emma, both to know that teasing me isn't nice, and that she isn't going to get blown away when I blow up.

I recommend the book to anyone who is in a relationship. The quiz at the end to tell you which love language you identify with isn't perfect, but it certainly pointed me in the right direction.

How To Be A Married Man

2009-06-04T15:22:00.007-05:00

I got married last month, and lots of people have given me books about how to be a married man, how to treat my wife, how to understand (or at least cope with not understanding) my wife, etc, etc, etc. And I think that, if you're married, being a real man depends very strongly on how you get along with your spouse. So I've decided that I'll review each one of the books as I read them (or as I find the time to write reviews) with the goal of doing about one every week or two. Below is a list of the books I intend to review in this series; comment if you think I've missed any good ones!

The Five Love Languages
Love And Respect
For Men Only & For Women Only
Sheet Music
Tender Warrior
Wild At Heart
Loving Your Wife
The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Married!

2009-05-23T12:01:00.003-05:00

Finally! Emma, I have longed to be with you day after day... this is the happiest day of my life, and I know that when I wake up tomorrow morning with you beside me, I will be that much happier. I love you. If you were wondering, yes, I wrote this post ahead of time; right now, I'm completely focused on my wife.

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband." -Proverbs 12:4